Blackheads Don’t Matter
The blackheads scared her. Some looked rather insidious and not to be trusted, she said
As a modern man of the 2000s, it’s part of one’s skill set to be able to park the car with a hooked caravan, saw off the curtain rod so that it fits the minimal window, ensure that the toilet lid is closed after use, advanced ball grooming and also adequate hygiene care. But do not think that it is enough to splash yourself in the face with arctic ocean water once a week.
Nope. It’s far more sophisticated than that.
The other day my wife commented my nose and mumbled something about it being full of blackheads. Some looked like worms. The blackheads scared her. Some looked rather insidious and no one can trust, she said. Two thousand years ago, I had already clubbed her down at the initial mumble about my nose, but in today’s modern world that kind of behaviour is frowned upon, and one must politely accept the criticism. Which in my case meant sliding up to my friend, the mirror and checking the nose out.
“But my nose has always looked like this! “
“You wanna bet?”
“About what? “
“That your nose does not look like that at all and that I can get rid of all the blackheads! Look at that scary one that moves!”
“It’s just friendly and waving. A buddyhead! “
“Oh, wow! Really? How funny you can be. At least I can get rid of them! “
“Hey, I won’t let you squeeze anything there! “
“Squeeze? Yuk! Stop being gross! “
“Ok, so how are you going to get rid of them? “
“Check this out, she said and pulled out a package with the Nivea logo on it.
I read the manual and said:
“I will never let you clean my face with these feminine shady stuff. What’s next? Cucumber under my eyes, cotton balls between the toes, and a deo? Forget it! What you said “yes I do,” to at the altar is an unmodifiable package. I would even like to say a perfectly packed penis package — PPPP® !“
“You don’t dare, do you? “
An insult like that does not go down well with yours truly. Being called a coward is, after meat hood, what I hate most. With a “give it to me for fuck’s sake” I grabbed the package and drove off to the bathroom.
First, I had to soak the nose in lukewarm water, then with gentle pressure apply a small nose-shaped patch over the entire snoot. I looked like an alpine-enthusiastic freak that protects the nose from the sun while the rest of the body is exposed to radiation. The only thing missing was the ski boots and a Jägermeister in my fist. Then I would sit and let it work for ten minutes.
“Hahaha you look like a moron!”
“I’m happy to please your sense of humor, I muttered.”
So far there have been no problems. Except for the small crackling sounds that the better half could not help but deliver. But when I was about to remove the patch, something strange had happened. The soft little patch had hardened and was stuck. How come they can’t make condoms in similar material? Would whip the shit out of the Viagra industry while also protecting against STD’s.
“What the hell! It’s stuck in the skin!”
“No it’s not. It’s stuck in your blackheads.”
“Oooohhhhh… aaaaaaaiiii… !”
“Just pull it off carefully!”
“Fuuuc….!”
“You got this!”
An eon of time passed, I was in the dimension where it is believed that my nose was separated from the body. Not recommended. The Patch from Hell™ finally cave in. I’m convinced that some blackheads had roots that stretched two generations back so that Grandpa probably felt the removal of the blackheads. I stared at the patch and to my surprise saw that it was completely black on the inside.
“What the hell! Look how disgusting this is!”
“Exactly. Do you see now?”
“What’s all this black?”
“It’s your blackheads!”
“But some are centimeters long! Gross!”
“I know. But check your nose instead!”
And I did. Shit! Where I used to have a fleshy piece of the nose with small dots on it (which I had always explained as birthmarks) there was now a new nose. Fresh. Handsome. Shiny. A tad smaller. Straighter. Damn, it even competed with my beginning bold spot, who could dazzle the most. If I turned my head upside down fast enough, I would out perform any stroboscope. Faster. I decided to call it Nose v.2.
They say stop smoking in order to smell scents. Bah! Forget it! Suddenly I felt scents I had never felt before. I could also breathe much better. Gone was the somewhat strained beeping sound as I sat with my mouth closed. And all that was required was a small cozy patch with some glue on the inside.
A question that immediately arises is what use is the normal facial soap if I can pull out tons of blackheads with lengths that would make earthworms jealously stretch? And imagine the fisherman who would find it easier to pull fine worms out of the ground before the fishing trip if there was something similar for the fishing industry.
