The Relationship expert — part five
A crash course in 10 modules on how to happily handle the transformation from the state “I” to the construction ”us” or “we”. In this episode, we’ll take a look on how your cringe persona can be your best strategy.
Part five — Couple-only dinner parties
It’s like a car inspection, it hurts your wallet, and it must be done. It’s terribly unnecessary and, goes under your skin, and is generally annoying.
But have no fear. Just follow these steps, and you’ll be fine.
Preparation is the key to success. So that you once and for all don’t have to sit around a wobbly kitchen table and must be social with people you want to punch in the face. And on top of that squeeze, your way through three discussing dishes of roadkill served with lukewarm cheap wine. End the evening with TP, which you of course lose because the hosts have studied all the answers.
- Shower and add deo to strategic cavities
- Shave. Feel free to take a swipe with the nose hair trimmer as well.
- Jump into a brand new shirt and a tie that matches your imaginary BMW.
Head over to the battlefield, and then focus on the hostess a lot. Laugh hard at her jokes. Lean over. Give her a quirky but yet innocent smile. Go Craig Ferguson on her. Creepy but friendly. Feel free to drink faster than the other guest. The occasional quick glance down the neckline is also recommended because checking breasts can never, I repeat, never under any circumstances, be neglected.
Just make sure to do it so fast that some of the faster volatile gases would whistle impressively at your speed. Make embarrassing jokes and make sure to laugh first, highest, and longest. If you do all this, you are guaranteed that you’ll never visit that couple again.
If you are embarrassing enough, the human characteristic that your partner has should kick in, ie that she is ashamed of you and exclude all other couples. It works every single time. And if you, against all odds, will be invited to that couple again, it never hurts that the hostess has a good eye for you. If this backfires the spinoff is that you’re guaranteed that you will get a little more dessert than the other losers around the round but slightly worn kitchen table.
In the next episode we will take a look on the danger to give the slightest stare to another woman.