The Relationship expert — part four

Photo by Semen Borisov on Unsplash

Disclaimer: I suspect that some people will choke on their morning coffee and think that I’m generally prejudiced and that the Neanderthal lamp shines unusually bright over my head. But my aim is to just try to explain to the less knowledgeable men what’s ahead so that they are better prepared to ride into what they call, the twilight zone into what we know is a healthy relationship.

Therefore, The Relationship Expert or Dr. Love (among friends), is arranging a brief crash course in how to happily handle the transformation from the life situation “I” to the construction “we”. This is part four of the mini series of 10 relationship tips.

Part four — Procurement

IKEA is coming. Hours, not to mention days of your life will be spent on IKEA, Walmart and Costco. You might think a visit to IKEA will be an in / out operation: get the vase, stand in the slowest queue in the universe, pay your hard-earned penny, buy a sloppy hot dog made on roadkill, get out.

It’s a law of nature you can’t avoid. It’s like trying to tackle a wave. Trust me I have tried once and the wave laughed at me. I had a hard time seeing the humor because I was fully occupied swallowing as little water as possible of the Atlantic.

Just accept the situation and when you are at IKEA, just say ”yes” to everything, you’ll always have the opportunity to return the crap — which your better half is happy to do now without your participation since she didn’t want your input in the first place.

And should it turn out to be so bad that you said yes to an ugly vase that you know must have its own definition of the concept of justification for existence and that you can never defend its existence on her…er your bookshelf, you always have gravity to your rescue.

”Iiiiiiiiiiiiii… what happened to the vase? ”

”Beats me… I was sitting on the couch watching TV and suddenly I hear a crash. When I and my skin had reunited, I see to my horror that the vase collapsed on the ground and broke into millions of pieces. It got really hot on the couch and for a couple of microseconds, I thought I’d shit myself. But I realized it must have been a scared gas that pulled away. ”


”I can tell. Burrito for lunch yesterday huh? ”


”But, the vase… how?”

”I know! Totally fucking puzzling. Must be a concentration of gravity right where the vase stood, that pulled it down. Do you think that national Geographics would be interested… ”

”Do you think I believe that… ”

”What?! I have no other explanation… ”

”I think you probably had something to do with it. ”

”Babe! Are you accusing me! Then why would I want us to buy it at IKEA? ”

”Yeah… of course…”


IKEA offers all couple wannabes, the number one industry standard when it comes to the best experience, and offers plenty of opportunities to confirm and cement the relationship. And the stronger the urge is to show each other how much love you have for one other, the more expensive pillows. Show me the lovers who choose the pillow ”SLÅN” for $1.49 when they can choose ”VILDKORN” for $5.99 or why not “RUMSMALVA” for $36.99. The pillow turns into a symbolic ring and IKEA is the altar that performs the wedding.

You rarely see lonely people at Ikea. Only at the service desk then. Mostly female, trying to return broken vases.

”But I can still at least buy food at my local store! ”

”Like 7 -11 round the corner? ”

Forget it. From now on your new hangout is Walmart, Costco, or similar. You will also learn coupon management. Coupons are money you didn’t think you had. Buy 2 — pay for 1 mean that you now suddenly have to set aside space in the freezer for food you did not know you could cook yourself. Potatoes are actually the origin of french fries. You did not know that, did you?

In the next episode we will take a look on double date dinner parties and some strategies for how to avoid them.




A laidback singer/songwriter/author that love the creative process almost more than the outcome. Lives in Stockholm, Sweden.

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Stefan Woldekidan

Stefan Woldekidan

A laidback singer/songwriter/author that love the creative process almost more than the outcome. Lives in Stockholm, Sweden.

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